#18 - Signs You Are In A Horror Movie


      You'll be fucking a blonde with big tits when the lights go out. This is the first sign.

      The first you'll actually notice anyway. There were others before this, but were the kind of signs only seen with hindsight or in a rear-view mirror.

      Driving in a topless jeep with four other college juniors toward a remote group of cabins by the lake while listening to CCR and smoking weed.

      That was a sign.

      But what's important here though, and I can't really stress this enough, is that you're fucking a blonde with big tits when the lights go out.

      You won't notice it at first, then will, but will keep going. This is a mistake, and is one of many that you'll be making in the near future. The mistake isn't so much that you continue with the big breasted blonde but your reckless abandon in the face of the unknown. This will be a reoccurring theme.

      When you're about to finish on the blonde, a machete blade will come from under the bed and emerge from her chest.

      This is a sign.

      She might scream, but probably won't get the chance and will just make some sort of pathetic gurgle. You'll recoil in horror, naturally, grabbing a pair of shorts, or jeans and running from the cabin. You'll run to the next cabin over to get your friends.

      You'll burst into the room in a blaze of desperation only to find the hanging body of your best friend (sign.) He'll have some sort of ridiculous meat hook through his face which is keeping him nailed to the roof. You'll be devastated of course, you were close with him, having shared the schoolís quarterback duties (and the blonde).

      You'll decide you're angry now. You donít know whatís going on but youíve had enough. Youíre planning some good old fashion vigilante justice. (Mistake).

      Youíll head to the jeep and open the back. You root around to find your dad's old skeet shooting rifle, some ammo, maybe a large hunting knife and a flashlight. (There might be a bit of a music/quick edit montage here, or some sort of camera circle-around-the-actor shot as you look out into the woods. All of this really depends on whether or not Michael Bay is directing this particular horror movie.).

      Having armed yourself you'll head off with a Rambo-like determination. (Mistake. Reckless abandon. Sign.)

      This is when shit really goes sour for you though, when things really come down to the wire. You'll be trouncing through the woods shotgun slung over your shoulder. You'll hear some noises; see some bushes shake, or some shadows move. You'll put your back to a large tree, terrified as you try and calm yourself down. This is when we, the audience, get our first good look at our hero (not your hero). The camera will pan out and he'll be standing behind the tree, machete in hand. This shot, with you and him, will probably be the movie poster, or the website graphic or some sixteen year oldís facebook picture.

      You'll hear him breathing now, and your eyes will be wide with panic. Your bravado will have completely subsided now and you'll be running through the thick trees. Youíll run all the way to the jeep, which will now have its top and windows up. It'll be unlocked and you'll get in. You'll find the keys in the sun visor and put them in and turn them. Despite being a brand new jeep in perfect condition, it will rev, and rev but never start. This is most definitely a sign.

      You'll be focused on the engine's efforts, revving and revving. There's a stillness while the engine revs and fails, revs and fails. This is when the brunette will get your attention by ridiculously hurling herself on the driver's side window as hard as she possibly can, effectively giving you a goddamn heart attack.

      She's pretty but in a near miss, supporting actress, kind of way. She'll be crying and telling you about the third dude's head, and how itís in the freezer beside the rum. (Sign.)

      You'll look past her to see the enormous man wearing a mask and holding a machete emerging from the surface of the lake and walking at a leisurely pace.

      (These are all signs).

      The brunette will let out a bloodcurdling scream, and the masked man will throw the knife end over end at her, splitting her head open like a watermelon.

      It's at this point when your suspicions will be pretty high that you are in a horror movie. You're pretty sure. You'll venture to say that with all this evidence you're almost 94% sure. Thereís hope though right? You think that there's always a survivor isnít there? These things always have about twenty seven sequels and remakes, each one more ridiculous than the last. But usually thereís that one person that overcomes the forces of evil and survives.

      Right?

      These are the thoughts you've chosen as your last while the boat anchor smashes your nose through the back of your skull.

      (This is a sign.)




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